“Was not their mistake once more bred of the life of slavery that they had been living?—a life which was always looking upon everything, except mankind, animate and inanimate—‘nature,’ as people used to call it—as one thing, and mankind as another, it was natural to people thinking in this way, that they should try to make ‘nature’ their slave, since they thought ‘nature’ was something outside them” — William Morris

Friday, February 23, 2018

I Am Disabled

Mark Fisher was my friend. He was and I am disabled, only on the inside. I scored 96% on the depression test, and the psychiatrist said, “I can’t believe you made it this far,” aka in my life, alive. 

The amount of negativity I’m receiving is an indication of how unacceptable mental illness still is. I will never stop speaking up for the importance of taking care of oneself. 

The kind of disability we have/had requires pills, not wheelchairs. I am on the maximum dose of a drug called Wellbutrin. The pills have limits. Like everything else. One thing they do is, they make sure you don’t die.

I love Mark’s sentences. They’re amazing. I wrote him fan letters about them. We need more amazing sentences. 

I yearn for more of Mark’s. What he wrote about Joy Division is utterly unsurpassable. I think about it a lot. 


D. E.M. said...

You're right that grief and anger are mixed together. And impulsivity mixes with intelligence. And I really hate how people on-line go into attack mode in a way they'd never do in real space.
Keep writing your sentences.

The concoction that keeps me alive: Paxil, Wellbutrin, Concerta, Zopiclone. Talk therapy plus exercise plus my cat couldnt do what these pills do, no matter how hard I tried.

Unknown said...

Hi! Tim, I hope you're not letting the internet get you in its vices. I met you years ago at Loyola University, we got in a class room tiff. I was a student of Chris Schaberg and your work is never far from my mind. I also have been diagnosed with depression since I was nine and have had truly disabling eruptions of sadness in my life. I'm not sure what you "said" to garner so much negative attention regarding mental health. But trust me when I say that the positive contributions you've made, at least to me, have made an irrevocable difference in my life. Don't let the encroaching walls of internet jabber get to you. The legitimacy of mental health solutions should always be confronted with scrutiny.

ALSO: the national rhetoric regarding mental illness in relation to America's gun violence this week has been incredibly disturbing and offensive. Though, that probably goes without saying.

Bryan Sentes said...

Welbutrin, wow; I am not unacquainted with it. That you can 1. produce as much as you do, and 2 that it is so lively and groundbreaking is a testimony to something in you neither negativity nor side-effects can dampen.

SE said...

I find it telling how these little gangs of minor academics become so enthralled by such trivia

jliat said...

Hi Tim
Sorry that you are receiving such negative responses. I didn't know Mark but thought his writing was very insightful, if not a little bleak. But such is the danger of free thinking. He is IMO not only a loss for those who knew him but also a loss of a free thinker for us all.

Negativity never promotes growth or learning, despite the old saying about learning from mistakes, (one doesn't need others though to be so ready to point them out..) positive encouragement however does. As a teacher you obviously both know and practice this. So keep on keeping on..... for all our sakes..!

KJ said...

So True. Complex Trauma PTSD for me. I read, in the mid 90's, a book written by a person with depression that postulated Depression is an entirely reasonable immune system response to the speeding up of and inevitable direction, due to neo-liberal capitalism, of our disconnection with living with earth rather than consuming earth.

Tom Beckett said...

Thank you for this post specifically, but also for your work in general. I struggle with depression too. You have a much bigger platform than most of us, so it matters a lot that you are speaking out.

Sally said...

More power to you!


Julie said...

Thank you for making it this far. You are a gift to the world and a great inspiration to many (myself among many) I do not know depression personally but I have seen close ones deal with it, enough to sort of understand. So sorry some people are so insensitive as to give you grief about it.